Just Blame It on A Chimp Named Daniel

Once upon a time, in a land not so far from here, lived two amazing young women. Their names were Cynthia and Josie. What was so great about these two wonderful young women? Cynthia was the greatest mathematician to ever walk the face of the earth, while Josie, her partner, was the greatest scientist to ever walk the face of the earth. You see, in the times that Cynthia and Josie lived, women were, by and overwhelming amount, more intelligent, wiser and smarter than men were. No one could ever figure out just why, but it’s just the way it was. Women ruled the worlds of math and science, while the men were still busy figuring out how to tie their sneakers. It was just absurd how much smarter women were than men. It was like this: for the men to possibly catch up to the women, women would just have to stop doing anything and not advance one bit for 5000 years.

Cynthia and Josie were the best of friends, and always had amazing adventures that involved both the maths and sciences, and having an expert on each subject made their experiments, ideas and theory discovering very rewarding and even FUN. They were, without a doubt, the perfect team.

Their latest experiment: a time machine. Cynthia and Josie wanted to figure out a way so they could stop time all together. Cynthia used her amazing math skills to figure out a formula as to how they could get the machine to match the speed of light (because that’s how you stop time) and Josie used her scientific mind to do the technical parts, like finding the ingredients and chemicals needed to fit in the machine to work with Cynthia’s great formula to make the machine match the speed of light. (which to this day remains unknown). But they just needed one more secret element to work the machine. As you can see, they were the perfect team. They were efficient and punctual workers who always were happy while they were working and they never once fought, but neither of the girls had very good memories.

The girls were also doing another experiment that involved a chimp named Daniel and a man who didn’t have a name. They were experimenting to see who they could teach the simple formula of y=ax +q to first, but neither seemed to be catching on too quickly, especially the chimp named Daniel.

***

It was a Tuesday when Cynthia and Josie had finally found the secret element that was needed to complete the time machine. The girls were so excited because they knew that this time, no matter what, the experiment couldn’t fail... but to them anything was a success compared to trying to teach the chimp named Daniel and the man with no name how to do math.

So the girls finally put the secret key element into their time machine and were so excited to try it out. But it was lunch time, and the girls knew that they couldn’t stop time on empty stomachs. So they went out to lunch. They would stop time when they got back. But little did they know what they had forgotten to do. That morning, when Cynthia was working with the chimp named Daniel and the man with no name, she forgot to close the cage behind her.

While the girls were out, the chimp named Daniel escaped from his cage and wandered into the laboratory (which the girls had forgotten to lock as well) and started to play with the machine. He re-arranged wires, pushed buttons and just made everything not good on the machine... but not to a visual extent, it was just the technical parts that needed to be in order for it to work that he screwed up, but he didn’t understand that. After all, he was just a chimp named Daniel who didn’t understand math. Or science. Or anything.

The girls were giggling and talking and very excited when they returned from their lunch. They couldn’t contain their enthusiasm to try the new machine. So without even really making the last minute checks or seeing that the red wire was in the green socket and the blue wire was in the pink socket, they proceeded with the experiment... and stopped time.

It was SUPPOSED to work like so: whoever was touching the machine when time was stopped would remain conscious and lived in a world of frozen time. But it didn’t work like that thanks to the chimp named Daniel. INSTEAD, the girls stood their, frozen in time. But the strange thing was, all other girls in the universe stood still as well. Time had been stopped, but only for girls. All of the boys in the universe just kept on living in this world of stopped time for girls.

With the world in stopped time for girls, this would mean it would give the boys a chance to catch up to the intelligence of girls. Of course, the boys didn’t catch onto this concept until the first 2000 years of frozen female time were over.

Time, for girls, had remained frozen for a total of 7000 years, which is 2000 more years needed for the boys to catch up to the intelligence of girls. During this time, the boys had developed their minds, and somehow came up with the idea that they were better at math than girls. But of course, this was not true, beings that they had an extra 7000 years of advancement when the girls had none.

So finally, after 7000 years, the great-great-great-great-great-(you get the point) grandson of the chimp named Daniel had stumbled upon this very old laboratory, which Cynthia and Josie still remained frozen. He, being much more advanced than the chimp named Daniel saw a bright pink blinking button that said "REVERSE" on it. So he pressed it.

The girls were suddenly awaken and they were very scared and they were very dusty and in need of a bath too. This meant that all of the other girls that were frozen in the world had also awoken, and immediately realized what had happened. The men were equally as smart as women in math and science! But of course the extra 7000 years of advancement didn’t hurt them very much.

And this is was why girl’s don’t tend to pursue careers in math. They have now in this present day, surpassed boys in their mathematical abilities, but are still trying to get into the mathematical world that men had dominated for over 7000 years while time was stopped for girls. That discouraged women to go into the mathematical field as a career. Now, women are getting their M.D.’s and Ph.D.’s, but aren’t getting engineering degrees, even tho they are capable. So you can just blame this on the foolish chimp named Daniel. But don’t worry- girls will soon be rising again as the boy’s stupidity, foolish-ness and math capabilities (or lack thereof) will catch up with them. Muahahahaha.

The End

Weiinstock, Maia. "Girls Are Better at Math, But..." Discover Magazine. Vol 24, No. 9, September 2003. Pg 13.

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