You see, Mr Falo (also known as Stewart by his non-existent friends), was a tax collector. He would go to work, get the lists of names and addresses of people who owed taxes and would figure out how much they had to pay. But, the thought that Mr.Falo had was this: rather than consider how much money the people made to come up with their charge, he would consider the hair on their head to find out how much he would charge them).

Mr. Falo has never had hair (like a tv character named Caillou) and he was mad at the world for everyone else having hair, and him not. He didn’t think they deserved having hair, and he gets mad when he sees someone with lots (or more than their fair share of) hair.

So, he decided to charge them like this: 1% per hair times 25% of amount of anger that their hair would cause him. This would look a little something like this.

I’m going to be rich!, I’m going to be rich! Mr.Falo hummed to himself as he left for his office The day was slow, and a depressing one for him. Noone seemed to notice the changes that he had made in their taxes, which was good, but, possibly because most of the people he collected taxes from were elderly (balding) men who were home on sick leave. The only people who were ever home during the afternoons were people on sick leave, who are just too sick and tired (and cranky) to care about how much they paid. So, Mr. Falo didn’t make much money, in fact, he made less than usual! As I mentioned before, it was a depressing day for Mr. Falo.

But you see, as most other people see, Mr.Falo is an ordinary if sightly insane (remind you of anyone...say a morbid mathematician?) man. By seeing that, you would have seen wrong (along with most other people). That is not at all (ok, well maybe a little, but that’s not the point) what he was. Mr Falo was an insane, abusive, whacker.

Rather than define whacker I’ll let you do that yourself as you read about his not so not-quite-ordinary evenings.

Returning home from work, Mr Falo ate his supper (of carrots, cinnamon tofu and whole milk) and changed into a totally black outfit, consisting of: a black sweater, a black scarf (with black flowers on it, that he had stolen from his great aunt twice removed), a black pair of shorts, black longjohns and black rubber duckies. On his head he wore a black face mask with a hole cut out on top so you could see his bald (toupee-less) head shining in the moonlight, there by flaunting his baldness to everyone he wacked..

Dressed and ready to go, Mr. Falo sat on top of his kitchen counter and meditated for 46.5 minutes. Then he made a plan of how he could cover every path in the park only once and hit every corner bench. He then found a piece of paper and drew a sketch of the trails in the park.

Looking at his sketch he determined that it was a very odd looking park, but decided to ignore that fact, (as I hope you will as well). Remembering his oh so helpful matrixes, networks and di-graphs from his grade ll math, he turned his sketch of paths into a di-graph. Fortunately this worked and now he was ready to go!

Ret Bution (the name of his alter- ego) slunk quietly (and very sneakily) out of his house and down the 1.3 miles to the park. It was just getting dusk as he hid behind some bushes at the first corner bench.

There he saw a man and a woman sitting on the bench. Both had hair. He crept up silently until he was close enough, and then he whacked them with a broom.

As the two people turned around, wondering who had wacked them with a broom, Ret Bution was skipping down the trail in delight, satisfied with a whack well done.

Oh! He heard a voice. Ret slunk quietly behind a tree where he hid until the voice was in front of him. Then he heard a beep as the old lady ended a call on her cell phone, and proceeded to dial an over-seas number. (Ret had impeccably good night vision) Then the lady continued walking and had passed him. At that time, he crept out behind the old woman talking on her cell phone. He proceeded to wack her with his broom as well, not just for having hair, but also because she had not dialled 10-10-220, 1-800-c-a-l-l-a-t-t, 1-800-collect 1-800-10-10-987 or any other offer on great deals on long distance calling. There and then he decided to stop being obsessed with hair and went into the long-distance calling business so he could now wack people for not saving money! Brilliant!