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What do you call a snowman with a suntan? A puddle.

Where do cows go for a holiday? Moo York.

Why couldn't a skeleton go to the ball? Because she had nobody to go with.

How do you make a submarine sink? Knock on the door.

How do you make time fly? Throw your watch out the window!

What do you call a fish with no eye? A Fsh.

How do you know you have an elephant in bed with you? By the big E on the pyjama pocket.

How do you take away varnish? Take away the R.

What do footballers say at the bell? Saved By The Ball.

Did you hear about the clown who was sacked from the circus? She is sueing them for funfair dismissal!

What do you call a mad chick in an egg? Crackers.

What do you call Santa's wife? Mary Christmas.

Why are penguins good at racing? Because they are always in pole position.

How do penguins celebrate May Day? Dance around the pole.

What do you get if you cross a sheepdog and a bunch of daisies? Collie flowers.

Why did the chewing gum cross the road? Because it was stuck to the chicken's foot.

Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because chickens were not invented.

What do you get if you cross a cow and a camel? Lumpy milkshakes. What do you get if you cross a giraffe and a hedgehog? A 6 foot toothbrush.

What do you call a skeleton that doesn't do his work? Bone idle!

Why didn't the cyclops teach? Because she only had 1 pupil.

Where does the monkey make his toast? Under the gorilla!!!

Why did the one-handed man cross the road? To get to the second-hand shop.

Why did the car stop? Because it was TIRED and EXHAUSTed!

Two cowboys are crawling through the desert without food and water, when one of them suddenly shouts. "Look it's a bacon tree! a bacon tree!" "Don't be stupid," replied his friend. "it's just a mirage. You're imagining things." But his friend runs off only to return minutes later with hundreds of bullet holes in him. "You were right," moaned the cowboy "it wasn't a bacon tree. It was a Ham Bush".

Why did the chicken cross the road? Because he wanted to.

What's French and wobbly? The Trifle Tower.

What's in this bowl? It's bean soup. I dont care what it's been, what is it now?

Did you hear about the fight in the fish shop? The fish got battered.

Knock knock. who's there? banana. banana who? knock knock. who's there? banana. banana who? knock knock. who's there? orange. orange who? orange you glad it's not banana?

Knock knock who's there? Justin. Justin who? Justin time for tea!

Doctor, doctor, I think I'm a bird! Perch over there for a moment please.

What lives under water and carries people? An octobus!

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "why the long face"?

Why was 10 scared? Because 7 8 9 (7 ate 9).

A woman went to the doctor because she was feeling a little run down. The doctor said. "No problem, I can see what's wrong, you have a sausage in your left ear , an egg on your head and a chip up each nostril. Obviously you aren't eating properly".

This woman went to a pet shop and said "Give me a pet that can do everything" "Well I've got a budgie," said the man quite not knowing what she meant. so the woman took the budgie home and said to him "go'nd get me a pop", and all the budgie was doing was plucking his hair. So she took the budgie back and got a centipede and it was perfect so she said "go'nd get me a pop", so the centipede got her a pop. After she drank the pop she said "go'nd get me a newspaper". Half an hour later she said "hey why are you still here?" and the centipede said "hang on, I'm still getting my shoes on."

Why did the lemon cross the road? Because he wanted to play squash!

Vulture#1 I feel sick! vulture#2 What did you eat, something fresh?

Did you hear the one about the giant who had a nose bleed? it's all over town! When is a bike not a bike? when it turns into a driveway!

What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck!

Knock knock. Who's there? Cows go. Cows go who? No silly, cows go moo.

What do you call a cat that walks across the sand? Sandy Claus!

What happened to the frog which broke down? It got toad away.

How do you make time fly? Throw your watch out the window!

There once were two camels, a mother and her daughter. One day the little camel asks her mother, "mommy, why do we have humps on our backs?" The mother says "to store water, so we don't get thirsty out in the desert." The young camel says, "oh, well mommy, why do we have such wide feet?" Her mother says, "our feet are special, they keep us from sinking in the sand." "Oh," says the baby camel, "mommy, why do we live in the zoo?"

What is the connection between Winnie the Pooh and Henry VIII? They have the same middle name.

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